Rest in Peace

I am sitting at my computer, lost for words. It's not every day that you lose a friend. In fact, other than my father when I was three, Ive never experienced death. I agree that it is a natural cycle, and that everyone in time must go. Its when it comes at a shock that it is most painful. It's the switch from ultimate high to extreme low that gets you.

On Monday, the 25th, I joined ADF and I was ecstatic. I knew my place in the world. Joining ADF gave me motivation, to learn, to think, to be creative. I was so happy that day, but like all things...my happiness was short lived. That night I was working, and I recieved a facebook request titled "RIP David Bezio." I said aloud, what he's not dead, he must be just messing around with me like always!" So I accepted the request, and started reading it. I just broke down into tears in front of everyone at work. I felt so numb.

It wasn't more than a few weeks ago that I talked to David. He had told me that he would be attending college this year. A week has gone by, and I can tell you although I have gotten a grasp on handling my emotions, it doesn't hurt any less. I remember those first few days. I was in complete denial. My brother and I, we said "If he just made this all up and he really is alive, I am going to beat him to death." We had such hope that he was just playing around with us.

It wasn't until the night before his funeral that it really hit me. Work was awful, I couldn't keep my head on straight. I'm surprised that I even finished all of my tasks. I just went up to my brother and said, I need a hug, and we cried together. Our friends had no idea what to say to us, but I am glad they were there. Just being around the people we cared about helped tremendously. If it wasn't for all my coworkers and friends, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed for weeks.

I'll never forget you David. We had so many crazy adventures in high school. You kept me out of fights, (remember that one time with Ashley and you held me back?) or that time we got so sick of Mark Brockett that we dumped trash all over him? You were always telling me how much you crushed on me back then. We were like twins. Hey we even have the same birthday! We never did get that happy 21st birthday drink.

I wish I had been a better friend at the end. I can say all the excuses in the world, but it wont change the facts that I wasn't there for you. Just like you wanted the chance to show everyone that you had changed, that you were a better person, just remember David, that I have always cared about you, that you will always be my friend, and that I will never forget you, and that every birthday that passes, I'll be drinking to you. Thank you for being there for me.

Have fun in the afterlife David, and try not to get into too much trouble without me.
I love you, brother.

I'm a sapling...

Squee!

I just got my welcome letter from ADF
And I'm as happy as can be.
Not a little teacup,
But a baby Tree.
Off to do some learning,

A Sapling in training,
trying to quench this undying yearning...

So I'll just have to get started on my DP :)

Unwittingly Natural

My friend April (and fellow blogger) posted something on Facebook about a week ago that really had me thinking. Before I knew it, I was digging through my kitchen, medicine cabinet, makeup bag and my purse for all of the products that Ive been using that are either "all natural" or "cruelty free." What I found quite surprised me!

My little quest began in the kitchen. To start off, I am a very picky eater. Most of the recipes that I make, I eat them because I grew up doing so. I will admit, I have quite the love affair with salad dressing. Everyone is always saying how terrible it is for you, and while I agree I just couldn't seem to give it up. My woes with dressing started when McDonald's (Yes...Mcdonalds! I know its horrible for you, but read on...) started using Paul Newman's "Newman's Own" Caesar dressing. I was pregnant for my daughter at the time, and became insta-addicted to it. I would buy 5 packets of it at a time in order to use it on my "home made" salads. I even tried buying the Paul Newman dressing from the store, but it tasted awful and chalky. No matter what kind of dressing I tried, it couldn't compare to the kind found at McDonald's. After awhile I decided that it was crazy to only eat that one kind of dressing and to pay $1 a packet for a one time use item. So I stopped using dressing all together. However, this love for Paul Newman swayed me to buy my next favorite item...Paul Newman's Gorilla Grape Juice.

I am quite fond of grape juice. In fact it is my favorite! The reason that I bought Paul Newman's Gorilla Grape Juice was purely because I loved his salad dressing so much. The fact that it was all natural (and that he gives all his profit to charity) is just the icing on the cake. To be honest, I didn't know that it was all natural when I was eating the dressing. I didn't realize until I picked up the grape juice and started drinking a glass, when I noticed "all profits given to charity." Interesting! When looking in my pantry, it also weilded the following results...a jar of pasta sauce that my fiance picked up because it was $1. Not only was it delicious, and my favorite so far, but it also stated that it was "all natural." The same thing with my favorite salsa Casa Mamita that you can pick up at Aldi.

Next, I looked in my medicine cabinet. I remember back awhile ago thinking how much I hated toothpaste because not only did it burn, but it made my gums hurt. My babies also complained and cried about using what people consider "normal" toothpaste. So on our hunt to find one that didn't taste awful, burn, or wasn't terribly expensive...we found Tom's of Maine strawberry toothpaste. I didn't purposely pick up Tom's of Maine because it was all natural, but because it was one of the only kinds that I could find that wasn't solely marketed for children, or didn't taste like revolting bubblegum. However, my Pagan side was beaming with pride at having chosen one that wasn't going to slowly poison my children over time.

Lastly, I checked over my makeup and was amazed. Hard Candy is my favorite brand, hands down. I have their make up removing wipes, nail polish, eye liner, mascara, eye shadow...you name it I probably have some of it. I especially like their Eye'm tired eye depuffer. It makes me look like less of a zombie when working those terrible ten pm to seven am shifts. I was doing some research on Hard Candy and guess what, they are cruelty free and part of the leaping bunny program which monitors beauty products and keeps a list of those that do not test on animals. Hard Candy even has a lot of vegan make up as well. I contacted them to find an exact list, and they responded, saying that they will have a full list up on their new website when it launches!

All in all, I am quite proud of myself. I found quite a few all natural products (and even a bunch that I didn't list above.) Just think what I can do when I actually go out and TRY to buy all natural and cruelty free items? Comment below with all of your favorite all natural and cruelty free products!
 

Holy Danu!

I usually do not write two posts in such close proximity, but I have so much to be thankful for! This morning I woke up to a delightful shock, I have a job interview! I have been unemployed for the last thirty days. A whole month of putting in applications and making countless phone calls to no avail. Then, I wake up to a message asking if I want an interview this coming Monday. I sure do!

 After recreating and dedicating my Altar to this Great Mother Goddess, I wake up to a wonderful surprise! I just can't believe how wonderful this year has been so far. I want to scream for joy off of a beautiful mountain top, or run naked through the forest. That is how happy that I am. Everything seems to be falling into place. Danu is really looking out for this mama, and I am incredibly thankful not only to Her, but my awesome family, my wonderful friends, my coven members, and to the members of the local Protogrove. You have all had my back, and I really appreciate it!

 

Rebirth

Its not everyday that you are as completely astonished as you are today. Things have been going so well for me, this past year, and things just keep getting better. I cannot believe the turn my life has taken. Last year I was in such a rut, mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I had no idea of my place in the world.

Six months ago, I wrote the very first post on this blog. Until now, its one and only. The changes between that post and this one, are astounding. Recently, I got back in touch with my spiritual side. I have been a "Pagan" since I was about thirteen when a neighborhood friend taught me about Wicca, despite my Jehovah's witness upbringing. A year ago, I would have said that I had no faith, but this year has been a huge blessing. I have a wonderful man in my life, I have two beautiful children, my apartment isn't half bad, and I'm starting a new career.

Like anything, I have started off with baby steps. I added myself back to all of my pagan related groups on facebook. I rejoined my original coven! I even started researching Druidry again, and look forward to practicing with the local Protogrove. Today, I recreated my Altar, and I am quite pleased!

I thought to myself, "I should really start blogging." I am an avid talker, and I usually have so many things rattling around in my brain, that just want to burst forth...So I decide to set up an new blog, when lo and behold blogger says my email address is being used. I thought, "well that is funny." I was just amazed, reading what I wrote six months ago, and really realizing that I am blessed. I am thankful for all the things the Gods have given me, and I think it funny that this realization comes on the same day that I rededicate my Altar.

I look forward to the year to come.

Fate

Rock bottom. It's where I was. It's where I've been most of my life. It's that point in time where you really have no idea what you are living for. It wasn't until recently that I decided to pick myself up out of the dirt, and start all over again. I'm young, I guess I get to do those things.

I left my husband. It was a major decision, one that drastically impacted my life, and even my self awareness. It's not that he was a bad person, we just couldn't get along. It's not like I didn't try. Some things just are not meant to be. So here I am, a year later, and my life is finally looking up. I couldn't have done it without my friends and family, for which I am eternally greatful.

I'm not sure what everyone thinks of fate. In my opinion, in the end, everyone has a role to play. Is that role predetermined? I think so. Is every choice made for you? No. I don't think so. As long as you get to where your meant to be in the end, that's all that matters.

There was this boy once, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. He was my best friend, one of my only true friends. I had a crush on this boy for the longest time. Holy Hera! How many years of subtle flirting has to go on before someone gets a clue? Boys are so clueless sometimes. I had to resort to some back hand cheating before he finally figured it out. I ended up telling his younger sister, who even though I told her not to tell, (I knew she would) told her brother, and he asked me out. Due to some unforseeable events, our love was ripped asunder, and we ended up going our seperate ways.

Many moons later, including two children, an impending divorce and a recent heartbreak...I was truly at rock bottom. I decided my life couldn't get much worse, and there was no where to go but up. I was practically homeless, and going through a nasty custody battle. So, I decided to contact the Boy's sister, and beg her for his phone number.

Fast forward six months. Here I sit, on my laptop, happier than I have ever been. I thank Fate every day that I have been brought back to my soul Mate. When one door closes, a new one will surely open.

The universe has one goal. To keep everything in balance. If my father hadn't of died when I was three years old, my mother never would have met (her now ex) boyfriend. We wouldn't have moved to a school district an hour away. I would never have met my soul mate. If my Aunt's husband hadn't been dying of cancer, We wouldn't have moved away for six months. I came back, and went to college. This is where I got with my now soon to be ex husband, and had two beautiful children. Full circle, back to present. I am back with my Mate, and everything is right with my world.

See? Everything has its purpose. When something bad knocks you down, get back up. There is always something good waiting right around the corner, no matter how far away that looks. If youve made it this far into my ramble, thank you.

Blessed be.